it's official

the proverbial shit has hit the proverbial fan. i've tried to cut off from them emotionally. i've tried to ignore all of the verbal abuse that's been thrust upon me. i want to detach myself from this reality and venture out again into that fantasy world i've become so attached to--where all is lovely and pretension and second-guessing one's self is non-existent.

it was so much more easier than before i began to be bombarded with the realities of young adult life. i never realized how difficult or incomprehensible the process of 'growing up' was. i would always scoff at those 'out to find myself' hippie-dippie types. i want to be one of those types. i want to escape from this prison of the heart and explore the depths of my soul. i want to know what will be left after i strip all of these iron-clad layers i've made myself.

i want to be the girl that backpacked through europe. i want to be the girl that wins the lotto and donates it all to charity and international relief funds. i want to be the girl that breaks into a animal testing facility that let all of the test subjects loose. i want to be the girl that joined the peace corps and helped malnourished children in developing countries. i want to be that outspoken girl that knows what she wants and voices her wants out. i want to be the girl that lived like the salt of the earth. i want to be the daughter that my family wanted me to be.